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Attached by Dr. Amir Levine: Unpacking the Science of Attachment and Relationships
Are you curious about why some relationships thrive while others crumble? Do you find yourself repeatedly drawn to the same type of partner, despite experiencing similar patterns of conflict or dissatisfaction? Understanding attachment styles can provide crucial insights into your relational patterns and pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling connections. This comprehensive guide dives deep into Dr. Amir Levine's work, exploring the core concepts of his book, "Attached," and offering practical strategies for improving your relationships based on your attachment style. We'll examine the four main attachment styles – secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant – and how recognizing your own and your partner's attachment style can transform your romantic life.
H2: Understanding the Four Attachment Styles in "Attached" by Dr. Amir Levine
Dr. Levine's work, significantly influenced by attachment theory, categorizes individuals into four primary attachment styles based on their experiences of childhood caregiving and their subsequent relational patterns. Understanding these styles is the first step toward improving your relationships.
#### H3: Secure Attachment: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
Individuals with a secure attachment style generally had consistent, responsive caregiving in their childhood. They feel comfortable with intimacy and independence, able to balance their own needs with the needs of their partners. They tend to be empathetic, communicative, and capable of resolving conflict constructively. Securely attached individuals form the bedrock of stable and loving relationships.
#### H3: Anxious Attachment: The Need for Constant Reassurance
Those with an anxious attachment style often experienced inconsistent caregiving as children. This can lead to a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a persistent need for reassurance in their relationships. They may become overly reliant on their partners for validation and experience heightened levels of anxiety when their needs aren't met immediately. Recognizing this pattern is key to developing healthier coping mechanisms.
#### H3: Avoidant Attachment: The Pursuit of Independence
Avoidant attachment typically stems from caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive of their child's needs. As adults, avoidant individuals often prioritize independence and self-reliance to the point of avoiding intimacy. They may struggle with emotional expression and find closeness uncomfortable, leading to difficulties in maintaining lasting relationships. Understanding the root of this avoidance is crucial for fostering greater emotional connection.
#### H3: Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: A Complex Combination
This style is a blend of anxious and avoidant tendencies. Individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment experienced both inconsistent and unsupportive caregiving. They crave intimacy but simultaneously fear rejection, leading to a complex interplay of emotional needs and defensive behaviors. Navigating relationships with this attachment style requires significant self-awareness and professional support.
H2: Applying Dr. Levine's Insights to Improve Your Relationships
The real power of "Attached" lies in its practicality. Dr. Levine doesn't just identify attachment styles; he provides actionable strategies for improving relationships based on these styles.
#### H3: Communication and Understanding: The Key to Success
Open and honest communication is paramount in any relationship, but especially so when navigating differing attachment styles. Learning to understand your partner's perspective, even if it differs significantly from your own, is crucial for fostering empathy and resolving conflict effectively.
#### H3: Setting Boundaries and Managing Expectations: Finding Balance
Recognizing your own attachment style allows you to set healthy boundaries and manage expectations within your relationships. This means understanding your emotional needs and communicating them clearly to your partner, while also respecting their individual needs and boundaries.
#### H3: Seeking Professional Help: When Needed
Sometimes, overcoming ingrained attachment patterns requires professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and support in identifying and addressing underlying emotional issues, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and fostering more fulfilling relationships.
H2: Beyond the Book: Expanding Your Understanding of Attachment
While "Attached" offers a fantastic overview of attachment theory and its impact on relationships, it's important to remember that this is a complex field of study. Further exploration into attachment theory, through additional resources and potentially therapy, can provide even greater depth of understanding.
Conclusion
"Attached" by Dr. Amir Levine provides an invaluable framework for understanding the dynamics of romantic relationships. By recognizing your own and your partner's attachment styles, you can gain crucial insight into your relational patterns, learn to communicate more effectively, and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections. Remember that self-awareness is the first step toward building stronger, more resilient relationships.
FAQs
1. Is it possible to change your attachment style? While your core attachment style is largely shaped by early childhood experiences, it's not immutable. With self-awareness, therapy, and conscious effort, you can modify your relational patterns and develop more secure attachment behaviors.
2. Can I use this information to assess my partner's attachment style without their knowledge? While you can observe behaviors consistent with certain attachment styles, it's crucial to respect your partner's autonomy and avoid labeling them without their input or consent. Open communication is always preferable.
3. Does "Attached" only apply to romantic relationships? While the book focuses primarily on romantic relationships, the principles of attachment theory apply to all types of close relationships, including friendships and familial bonds.
4. If my partner and I have different attachment styles, is our relationship doomed? Not necessarily. Understanding your differing styles and actively working to address potential conflicts through communication and compromise can strengthen your bond.
5. Where can I find more information about attachment theory? Numerous books and articles are available online and in libraries focusing on attachment theory. Consider seeking out resources from reputable psychologists and therapists specializing in this area.
| attached by dr amir levine: Attached Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, 2010-12-30 “Over a decade after its publication, one book on dating has people firmly in its grip.” —The New York Times We already rely on science to tell us what to eat, when to exercise, and how long to sleep. Why not use science to help us improve our relationships? In this revolutionary book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller scientifically explain why some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly, while others struggle. Discover how an understanding of adult attachment—the most advanced relationship science in existence today—can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment posits that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: • Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. • Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. • Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mate) follow, offering a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections with the people they love. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Wired for Love Stan Tatkin, 2024-06-01 Invaluable for so many partners looking to reconnect and grow closer together. —Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop Stan Tatkin can be entirely followed into the towering infernos of our most painful relationship challenges. —Alanis Morissette, artist, activist, and wholeness advocate The complete “insider’s guide” to understanding your partner’s brain, sparking lasting connection, and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust—now with more than 170,000 copies sold. “What the heck is my partner thinking?” “Why do they always react like this?” “How can we get back that connection we had in the beginning?” If you’ve ever asked yourself these questions, you aren’t alone, and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. Every person is wired for love differently—with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people’s minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and routines, making it possible to neurologically prime the brain for greater love and connection and fewer conflicts. This go-to guide will show you how. Drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this highly anticipated second edition of Wired for Love presents cutting-edge research on how and why love lasts, and offers ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship. This fully revised and updated edition also includes new guidance on how to manage disagreements, as well as new exercises to help you create a sense of safety and security, establish healthy conflict ground rules, and deal with the threat of the third—any outside source which threatens the harmony in your relationship, including in-laws, alcohol, children, and affairs. You’ll find proven-effective strategies to help you strengthen your relationship by: Creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble” Using morning and evening routines to stay connected Learning how to see your partner’s point of view Meeting each other halfway in a fight Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved By using simple gestures and words, you’ll learn to put out emotional fires and help your partner feel appreciated and loved. You’ll also discover how to move past a “warring brain” mentality and toward a more cooperative “loving brain.” Most importantly, you’ll gain a better understanding of the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships. While there’s no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you understand how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences, and create a lasting intimate connection. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Insecure in Love Leslie Becker-Phelps, 2014-06-01 Has your romantic partner called you clingy, insecure, desperate, or jealous? No one wants to admit that they possess these qualities; but if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to your significant other, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences. In Insecure in Love, you'll learn how to overcome attachment anxiety using compassionate self-awareness, a technique that can help you recognize your negative thoughts or unhealthy behavior patterns and respond to them in a nurturing way—rather than beating yourself up. You’ll also learn how insecurity can negatively affect healthy dialog between you and your partner (or potential partners) and develop the skills needed to stop you from reverting back to old patterns of neediness and possessiveness. If you suffer from anxious attachment, you probably know that you need to change, and yet you have remained stuck. With compassionate self-awareness, you can successfully explore old anxiety-perpetuating perceptions and habits without being overwhelmed or paralyzed by them. By understanding the psychological factors at the root of your attachment anxiety, you will learn to cultivate secure, healthy relationships to last a lifetime. If you’re ready to stop getting stuck in the same hurtful relationship patterns and finally break the cycle of heartache, this book can show you how to get the love you deserve—and keep it! |
| attached by dr amir levine: Attachment Theory Thais Gibson, 2020-03-24 Build powerful current and future relationships by understanding your past In order to improve closeness and intimacy in all relationships, it is important to first understand the clear parallels between adult behavior and childhood experiences. Attachment Theory combines traditional teachings with knowledge of subconscious patterns to provide powerful tools for powerful change. Through interactive quizzes, wrap-up summaries, and real strategies you can implement in your daily life, you'll learn the tools needed to reprogram the outdated beliefs causing chaos in your life and relationships—romantic, platonic, or familial. Inside Attachment Theory, you'll find: What's your style?—Begin with the 4 basic attachment theory styles—Dismissive-Avoidant, Fearful-Avoidant, Anxious Attachment, and Secure Attachment. The best methods—Using the 3 primary forms of therapy—Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and RAIN (Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, Non-Identification)—you'll begin to reprogram your subconscious mind. Old meets new—Learn through a mix of traditional psychological methodologies and new, cutting edge techniques of attachment theory. With a firm understanding of attachment theory, you'll be on your way to healthier relationships. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Wired for Dating Stan Tatkin, 2016-01-02 In the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever! So, why not stack the odds of finding the right person in your favor? This book offers simple, proven-effective principles drawn from neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find the perfect mate. Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal partner is a natural and healthy human tendency. Just about everyone dates at some point in their lives, yet few really understand what they're doing or how to get the best results. In Wired for Dating, psychologist and relationship expert Stan Tatkin—author of Wired for Love—offers powerful tips based in neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find a compatible mate and go on to create a fabulous relationship. Using real-life scenarios, you’ll learn key concepts about how people become attracted to potential partners, move toward or away from commitment, and the important role the brain and nervous system play in this process. Each chapter explores the scientific concepts of attachment theory, arousal regulation, and neuroscience. And with a little practice, you’ll learn to apply these exercises and practical techniques to your dating life. If you’re ready to get serious (or not!) about dating, meet your match, and have more fun, this book will be your guide. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Love Me, Don't Leave Me Michelle Skeen, 2014-09-01 Everyone thrives on love, comfort, and the safety of family, friends, and community. But if you are denied these basic comforts early in life, whether through a lack of physical affection or emotional bonding, you may develop intense fears of abandonment that can last well into adulthood—fears so powerful that they can actually cause you to push people away. If you suffer from fears of abandonment, you may have underlying feelings of anger, shame, fear, anxiety, depression, and grief. These emotions are intense and painful, and when they surface they can lead to a number of negative behaviors, such as jealousy, clinging, and emotional blackmail. In Love Me, Don’t Leave Me, therapist Michelle Skeen combines acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), schema therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to help you identify the root of your fears. In this book you’ll learn how schema coping behaviors—deeply entrenched and automatic behaviors rooted in childhood experiences and fears—can take over and cause you to inadvertently sabotage your relationships. By recognizing these coping behaviors and understanding their cause, you will not only gain powerful insights into your own mind, but also into the minds of those around you. If you are ready to break the self-fulfilling cycle of mistrust, clinginess, and heartbreak and start building lasting, trusting relationships, this book will be your guide. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Better Boundaries Workbook Sharon Martin, 2021-11-01 Do you have trouble saying no, or constantly sacrifice your own needs to please others? If so, this evidence-based workbook will help you set healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life—without feeling guilty or afraid. If you find yourself feeling responsible for others’ happiness, worrying about letting people down, or struggling to speak up for yourself, you probably have difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Establishing clear personal boundaries is essential to creating and nurturing mutually respectful relationships based on equality. Setting limits can also protect you from getting involved in exploitative relationships, and help you avoid toxic personalities who don’t have your best interests at heart. This evidence-based workbook will show you how to set healthy boundaries across all aspects of life—without sacrificing your kindness or compassion for others. You’ll learn to define your boundaries and discover why they’re so important for your emotional well-being. You’ll also find a wealth of tips for maintaining boundaries in a constantly-connected world, strategies for what to do when people get upset or threatened by your assertiveness, and ways to make sure your needs are met. If you’re tired of feeling guilty or afraid of putting your mental and physical health first, are ready to take back control of your life, and create healthy and balanced relationships, this book will show you how to step up and set limits, assert yourself confidently, and realize your full potential. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Book of Overthinking Gwendoline Smith, 2022-05-10 Overthinking, ruminating, worrying: bestselling author Gwendoline Smith explains this common form of anxiety and offers helpful advice for overcoming it. Psychologist Gwendoline Smith explains in clear and accessible language the concepts of positive and negative overthinking, the truth about worry, and how to deal with the thought viruses that are holding you back. She helps you understand what’s going on in your head—using examples, anecdotes, and plenty of humor—and she offers powerful strategies for addressing your issues. Based on cognitive behavioral theory, this book will help you combat anxious thought patterns in all areas of your life: from your personal life to relationships and work. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Attachment Effect Peter Lovenheim, 2018-06-05 Every reader will find this book about attachment enlightening. --Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight Does a magnificent job of revealing how attachment manifests at the workplace, in friendships, religion, and even politics.” --Amir Levine, M.D., author of Attached A revealing look at attachment theory, uncovering how our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for all our relationships to come Attachment theory is having a moment. It’s the subject of much-shared articles and popular relationship guides. Why is this fifty-year-old theory, widely accepted in psychological circles, suddenly in vogue? Because people are discovering how powerfully it sheds light on who we love--and how. Fascinated by the subject, award-winning journalist and author Peter Lovenheim embarked on a journey to understand it from the inside out. Interviewing researchers, professors, counselors, and other experts, as well as individuals and couples whose attachment stories illuminate and embody the theory's key concepts. The result is this engaging and revealing book, which is part journalism, part memoir, part psychological guide--and a fascinating read for anyone who wants to better understand the needs and dynamics that drive the complex relationships in their lives. Topics include: * What it means to be securely and insecurely attached * How our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for future relationships--and how to use those insights to gain self-awareness and growth * Why anxious and avoidant attachment types tend to attract each other, and how to break the negative cycle * How anyone can work to become earned secure regardless of their upbringing and past relationships. |
| attached by dr amir levine: ACT with Love Russ Harris, 2023-06-01 Build more compassionate, accepting, and loving relationships with acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Let’s face it: Picture-perfect storybook romances don’t exist in real life. Couples fight. Feelings of love wax and wane through the years. And the stress and tedium of everyday life and work can often drive a wedge between even the most devoted couples. So, how can you reignite passion and intimacy in your relationship, cultivate greater understanding and compassion between yourself and your partner, and bring the joy back to your love life? In this fully revised and updated edition of ACT with Love, therapist and world-renowned ACT expert Russ Harris shows how developing psychological flexibility—the ability to be in the present moment with openness, awareness, and focus, and to take effective action in line with one's values—can help you and your partner strengthen and deepen your relationship. Also included is new information on attachment theory, powerful mindfulness and self-compassion techniques, and assertiveness and boundary-setting skills. ACT with Love will show you how to: Let go of conflict, open up, and live fully in the present Use mindfulness to increase intimacy, connection, and understanding Resolve painful conflicts and reconcile long-standing differences Act on your values to build a rich and meaningful relationship If you’re looking to increase feelings of intimacy, love, and connection with your partner, this book has everything you need to get started—together. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Reinventing Your Life Jeffrey E. Young, Janet S. Klosko, 1994-05-01 Learn how to end the self-destructive behaviors that stop you from living your best life with this breakthrough program. Do you... • Put the needs of others above your own? • Start to panic when someone you love leaves—or threatens to? • Often feel anxious about natural disasters, losing all your money, or getting seriously ill? • Find that no matter how successful you are, you still feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or undeserving? Unsatisfactory relationships, irrational lack of self-esteem, feelings of being unfulfilled—these are all problems that can be solved by changing the types of messages that people internalize. These self-defeating behavior patterns are called “lifetraps,” and Reinventing Your Life shows you how to stop the cycle that keeps you from attaining happiness. Two of America's leading psychologists, Jeffrey E. Young, Ph.D., and Janet S. Klosko, Ph.D., draw on the breakthrough principles of cognitive therapy to help you recognize and change negative thought patterns, without the aid of drugs or long-term traditional therapy. They describe eleven of the most common lifetraps, provide a diagnostic test for each, and offer step-by-step suggestions to help you break free of the traps. Thousands of men and women have seen the immediate and long-term results of the extraordinary program outlines in this clear, compassionate, liberating book. Its innovative approach to solving ongoing emotional problems will help you create a more fulfilling, productive life. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Hold Me Tight Dr. Sue Johnson, 2008-04-08 Strengthen and deepen your relationships with this much-needed (Harville Hendrix, PhD) guide that has sold over one million copies, through revelatory practical exercises, seven profound conversations, and sage advice from “the best couple’s therapist in the world” (John Gottman, PhD, bestselling author) Are you looking to enrich a healthy relationship, revitalize a tired one, or rescue one gone awry? We all want a lifetime of love, support, and companionship. But sometimes we need a little help. Enter Dr. Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and “the most original contributor to couple’s therapy to come along in the last thirty years,” according to Dr. William J. Doherty, PhD. In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson shares her groundbreaking and remarkably successful program for creating stronger, more secure relationships. The message of Hold Me Tight is simple: Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Dr. Johnson teaches that the way to enhance or save a relationship is to be open, attuned, and responsive to each other and to reestablish emotional connection. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship and uses them as touch points for seven healing conversations, including: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues Finding the Raw Spots Revisiting a Rocky Moment Forgiving Injuries Keeping Your Love Alive These conversations give you insight into the defining moments in your relationship and guide you in reshaping these moments to create a secure and lasting bond. Through stories from Dr. Johnson’s practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, you will learn how to nurture, protect, and grow your relationship, ensuring a lifetime of love. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Power of Attachment Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D., 2019-03-12 How traumatic events can break our vital connections—and how to restore love, wholeness, and resiliency in your life From our earliest years, we develop an attachment style that follows us through life, replaying in our daily emotional landscape, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves. And in the wake of a traumatic event—such as a car accident, severe illness, loss of a loved one, or experience of abuse—that attachment style can deeply influence what happens next. In The Power of Attachment, Dr. Diane Poole Heller, a pioneer in attachment theory and trauma resolution, shows how overwhelming experiences can disrupt our most important connections— with the parts of ourselves within, with the physical world around us, and with others. The good news is that we can restore and reconnect at all levels, regardless of our past. Here, you’ll learn key insights and practices to help you: • Restore the broken connections caused by trauma • Get embodied and grounded in your body • Integrate the parts of yourself that feel wounded and fragmented • Emerge from grief, fear, and powerlessness to regain strength, joy, and resiliency • Reclaim access to your inner resources and spiritual nature “We are fundamentally designed to heal,” teaches Dr. Heller. “Even if our childhood is less than ideal, our secure attachment system is biologically programmed in us, and our job is to simply find out what’s interfering with it—and learn what we can do to make those secure tendencies more dominant.” With expertise drawn from Dr. Heller’s research, clinical work, and training programs, this book invites you to begin that journey back to wholeness. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Living the Simply Luxurious Life Shannon Ables, 2018-10-07 What can you uniquely give the world? We often sell ourselves short with self-limiting beliefs, but most of us would be amazed and delighted to know that we do have something special - our distinctive passions and talents - to offer. And what if I told you that what you have to give will also enable you to live a life of true contentment? How is that possible? It happens when you embrace and curate your own simply luxurious life. We tend to not realize the capacity of our full potential and settle for what society has deemed acceptable. However, each of us has a unique journey to travel if only we would find the courage, paired with key skills we can develop, to step forward. This book will help you along the deeper journey to discovering your best self as you begin to trust your intuition and listen to your curiosity. You will learn how to: - Recognize your innate strengths - Acquire the skills needed to nurture your best self - Identify and navigate past societal limitations often placed upon women - Strengthen your brand both personally and professionally - Build a supportive and healthy community - Cultivate effortless style - Enhance your everyday meals with seasonal fare - Live with less, so that you can live more fully - Understand how to make a successful fresh start - Establish and mastermind your financial security - Experience great pleasure and joy in relationships - Always strive for quality over quantity in every arena of your life Living simply luxuriously is a choice: to think critically, to live courageously, and to savor the everydays as much as the grand occasions. As you learn to live well in your everydays, you will elevate your experience and recognize what is working for you and what is not. With this knowledge, you let go of the unnecessary, thus simplifying your life and removing the complexity. Choices become easier, life has more flavor, and you begin to feel deeply satisfying true contentment. The cultivation of a unique simply luxurious life is an extraordinary daily journey that each of us can master, leading us to our fullest potential. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Attachment Theory in Practice Susan M. Johnson, 2019 Drawing on cutting-edge research on adult attachment--and providing an innovative roadmap for clinical practice--Susan M. Johnson argues that psychotherapy is most effective when it focuses on the healing power of emotional connection. The primary developer of emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples, Johnson now extends her attachment-based approach to individuals and families. The volume shows how EFT aligns perfectly with attachment theory as it provides proven techniques for treating anxiety, depression, and relationship problems. Each modality (individual, couple, and family therapy) is covered in paired chapters that respectively introduce key concepts and present an in-depth case example. Special features include instructive end-of-chapter exercises and reflection questions. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Never Greener Ruth Jones, 2018-04-05 THE NUMBER ONE SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER, PICKED FOR THE ZOE BALL TV BOOK CLUB 'Ruth Jones is excellent on human nature and why we make the mistakes we do. I felt for every character. Unputdownable.' Jojo Moyes The past has a habit of tracking us down. And tripping us up. When Kate was twenty-two, she had an intense and passionate affair with a married man, Callum, which ended in heartbreak. Kate thought she'd never get over it. Seventeen years later, life has moved on - Kate, now a successful actress, is living in London, married to Matt and mother to little Tallulah. Meanwhile Callum and his wife Belinda are happy together, living in Edinburgh and watching their kids grow up. The past, it would seem, is well and truly behind them all. But then Kate meets Callum again. And they are faced with a choice: to walk away from each other . . . or to risk finding out what might have been. Second chances are a rare gift in life. But that doesn't mean they should always be taken . . . - In her unmissable debut, actress and screenwriter Ruth Jones shows us the dangers of trying to recapture that which was once lost and failing to realise the beauty of what we already have. Praise for Ruth Jones: 'I love books about gnarly, messy relationships and this one kept me gripped from the beginning. A great read.' Jane Fallon 'Heart-rending, provocative and astutely written, Never Greener is a love story about getting what you want and losing everything you need. Ruth's characters will stay with me for a long time.' Cathy Bramley 'Easy to read and full of laughter - and truth.' Daily Mail Readers have fallen in love with Never Greener: ***** 'Loved this book from start to finish.' ***** 'I fell in love with all the characters and could not put it down.' ***** 'Brilliantly written, laugh-out-loud hilarious yet tear-jerking.' ****RUTH'S BRILLIANT NEW NOVEL LOVE UNTOLD IS AVAILABLE TO PRE-ORDER NOW. COMING IN 2022**** |
| attached by dr amir levine: Becoming Attached Robert Karen, 2024-02-12 This expanded and fully updated edition of Becoming Attached tells the story of one of the great undertakings of modern psychology: the hundred-year quest to understand the nature of the child and the components of good-enough care. Psychologist and journalist Robert Karen chronicles the origin and history of a groundbreaking idea - attachment theory - and its resounding impact on the fields of developmental psychology, psychiatry, and psychoanalysis. |
| attached by dr amir levine: This Is Your Brain on Birth Control Sarah Hill, 2019-10-01 An eye-opening book that reveals crucial information every woman taking hormonal birth control should know This groundbreaking book sheds light on how hormonal birth control affects women--and the world around them--in ways we are just now beginning to understand. By allowing women to control their fertility, the birth control pill has revolutionized women's lives. Women are going to college, graduating, and entering the workforce in greater numbers than ever before, and there's good reason to believe that the birth control pill has a lot to do with this. But there's a lot more to the pill than meets the eye. Although women go on the pill for a small handful of targeted effects (pregnancy prevention and clearer skin, yay!), sex hormones can't work that way. Sex hormones impact the activities of billions of cells in the body at once, many of which are in the brain. There, they play a role in influencing attraction, sexual motivation, stress, hunger, eating patterns, emotion regulation, friendships, aggression, mood, learning, and more. This means that being on the birth control pill makes women a different version of themselves than when they are off of it. And this is a big deal. For instance, women on the pill have a dampened cortisol spike in response to stress. While this might sound great (no stress!), it can have negative implications for learning, memory, and mood. Additionally, because the pill influences who women are attracted to, being on the pill may inadvertently influence who women choose as partners, which can have important implications for their relationships once they go off it. Sometimes these changes are for the better . . . but other times, they're for the worse. By changing what women's brains do, the pill also has the ability to have cascading effects on everything and everyone that a woman encounters. This means that the reach of the pill extends far beyond women's own bodies, having a major impact on society and the world. This paradigm-shattering book provides an even-handed, science-based understanding of who women are, both on and off the pill. It will change the way that women think about their hormones and how they view themselves. It also serves as a rallying cry for women to demand more information from science about how their bodies and brains work and to advocate for better research. This book will help women make more informed decisions about their health, whether they're on the pill or off of it. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair Daniel P. Brown PhD, David S. Elliott PhD, 2016-09-13 Winner of the 2018 International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) Pierre Janet Writing Award. A comprehensive treatment approach for the repair and resolution of attachment disturbances in adults, for use in clinical settings. With contributions by Paula Morgan-Johnson, Paula Sacks, Caroline R. Baltzer, James Hickey, Andrea Cole, Jan Bloom, and Deirdre Fay. Attachment Disturbances in Adults is a landmark resource for (1) understanding attachment, its development, and the most clinically relevant findings from attachment research, and (2) using this understanding to inform systematic, comprehensive, and clinically effective and efficient treatment of attachment disturbances in adults. It offers an innovative therapeutic model and set of methods for treating adult patients with dismissing, anxious-preoccupied, or disorganized attachment. In rich detail, it integrates historical and leading-edge attachment research into practical, effective treatment protocols for each type of insecure attachment. Case transcripts and many sample therapist phrasings illustrate how to apply the methods in practice. Part I, Foundational Concepts, features a comprehensive overview of the field of attachment, including its history, seminal ideas, and existing knowledge about the development of attachment bonds and behaviors. Part II, Assessment, addresses the assessment of attachment disturbances. It includes an overview of attachment assessment for the clinician and a trove of practical recommendations for assessing patients' attachment behavior and status both outside of and within the therapeutic relationship. In Part III, Treatment, the authors not only review existing treatment approaches for attachment disorders in adults, but also introduce an unprecedented, powerful new treatment method. This method, the Three Pillars model, is built on three essential clinical ingredients: Systematically utilizing ideal parent figure imagery to develop a new positive, stable internal working model of secure attachment Fostering a range of metacognitive skills Fostering nonverbal and verbal collaborative behavior in treatment Used together, these interdependent pillars form a unified and profoundly effective method of treatment for attachment disturbances in adults—a must for any clinician. In Part IV, Type-Specific Treatment, readers will learn specific variations of the three treatment pillars to maximize efficacy with each type of insecure attachment. Finally, Part V, A Treatment Guide and Expected Outcomes, describes treatment in a step-by-step format and provides a success-assessment guide for the Three Pillars approach. This book is a comprehensive educational resource and a deeply practical clinical guide. It offers clinicians a complete set of tools for effective and efficient treatment of adult patients with attachment disturbances. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Attached to God Krispin Mayfield, 2022-02-22 Why does God feel so far away? The reason--and the solution--is in your attachment style. We all experience moments when God's love and presence are tangible. But we also experience feeling utterly abandoned by God. Why? The answer is found when you take a deep look at the other important relationships in your life and understand your attachment style. Through his years working in trauma recovery programs, extensive research into attachment science, and personal experiences with spiritual striving and abuse, licensed therapist Krispin Mayfield has learned to answer the question: Why do I feel so far from God? When you understand your attachment style you gain a whole new paradigm for a secure and loving relationship with God. You'll gain insights about: How you relate to others--both your strengths and weaknesses The practical exercises you can use to grow a secure spiritual attachment to God How to move forward on the spirituality spectrum and experience the Divine connection we all were created for You'll learn to identify and remove mixed messages about closeness with God that you may have heard in church or from well-meaning Christians. With freedom from the past, you can then chart a new path toward intimate connection with the God of the universe. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Set Boundaries, Find Peace Nedra Glover Tawwab, 2021-03-16 The instant New York Times bestseller End the struggle, speak up for what you need, and experience the freedom of being truly yourself. Healthy boundaries. We all know we should have them--in order to achieve work/life balance, cope with toxic people, and enjoy rewarding relationships with partners, friends, and family. But what do healthy boundaries really mean--and how can we successfully express our needs, say no, and be assertive without offending others? Licensed counselor, sought-after relationship expert, and one of the most influential therapists on Instagram Nedra Glover Tawwab demystifies this complex topic for today's world. In a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peace presents simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology--and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men Martin Ucik, 2010-08 |
| attached by dr amir levine: Eternal Beast Laura Wright, 2012-08-07 A Taste of Blood Ever since his abduction by the Eternal Order of Vampires, Gray Donohue has finally found his true calling: vengeance. He will stop at nothing to bring his fellow Impure vampires the freedom they deserve. Now if he could just release his primal need for the beautiful vampire who saved his life—and rules his thoughts and desires… After nearly killing the senator she was assigned to protect, Dillon is now in mortal danger. The jaguar within her has been unleashed, and she can no longer control it. Sex is the only thing that can tame her shift. And Gray is the only man who can make her surrender to a passion strong enough to overpower her inner beast. But she doesn’t want to surrender—she wants her life back. Because she is determined never to belong to anyone, especially not Gray—the male whom destiny claims is her mate… |
| attached by dr amir levine: How to Be Single and Happy Jennifer Taitz, 2018-01-16 Single, less stressed, and free If you’re tired of swiping through dating apps, ghosting, and hearing well-meaning questions about why you’re still single, it’s hard not to feel “less-than” because you haven’t found your soul mate. Until now. How to Be Single and Happy is an empowering, compassionate guide to stop overanalyzing romantic encounters, get over regrets or guilt about past relationships, and identify what you want and need in a partner. But this isn’t just another dating book. Drawing on her extensive expertise as a clinical psychologist, as well as the latest research, hundreds of patient interviews, and key principles in positive psychology, Dr. Jennifer Taitz challenges the most common myths about women and love (like the advice to play hard to get). And while she teaches how to skillfully date, she’ll also help you cultivate the mindset, values, and connections that ensure you’ll live your best, happiest life, whether single or coupled up. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Course in Miracles Experiment Pam Grout, 2020-01-28 ACIM, the Fun Version! A real-world rewrite of the lessons of A Course in Miracles by the #1 New York Times best-selling author of E-Squared. A Course in Miracles is profound, deeply moving, and as boring to read as a bookshelf assembly manual. Ask for a show of hands at any self-help gathering, and 95 percent will happily admit to owning the dense blue book that's a famous resource for spiritual transformation. Ask the obvious follow-up, How many have actually read it? and all but a smattering of hands go down. It's as if everyone wants the miracles, the forgiveness, and the mind shifts, but they just can't bear its ponderous heaviness. Pam Grout to the rescue! Her new book is for all those still struggling with the Course. Grout offers a modern-day rewrite of the 365-lesson workbook-the text at the heart of the Course. Unlike the original, it's user-friendly, accessible and easy for everyone to understand. In daily lessons with titles like The Home Depot of Spiritual Practices and Transcending the Chatty Asshat in My Head, Grout drills down to the Course's essential message and meaning, grounding it in the context of everyday life in a way that's bound to stick. The lessons here blend eternal truths with pop culture and personal stories that are laugh-out-loud funny and deeply soul-stirring, often at the same time. You won't be tempted to use this Course in Miracles as a doorstop. You'll want to use it, every day, to change your life. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Stop Self-Sabotage Judy Ho, PhD, 2019-08-20 Award-winning clinical psychologist and TV personality Dr. Judy Ho helps you stop the cycle of self-sabotage, clear a path to lasting happiness, and start living your best life in this a must-have guide perfect for fans of You Are a Badass, Unf*ck Yourself, and How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t. Have you ever had a deadline for a big work project, only to find yourself down to the wire because you spent too much time on social media? Or gotten excited about meeting someone new, only to convince yourself he isn’t really interested? How many Januarys have you resolved that this is the year you’re finally going to lose the weight, only to abandon your diet in just a few weeks? If these scenarios sound familiar, you are stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage. At one point or another, we’ve all done something that undermines our best interests and intentions. Even the most successful people get in their own way—often without realizing it. In Stop Self-Sabotage, licensed clinical psychologist, tenured professor, and television personality Dr. Judy Ho takes a fresh look at self-sabotage to help us answer two vital questions: Why do we do it? How do we stop? Combining therapeutically proven strategies with practical tools and self-assessments, Dr. Judy teaches you how to identify your triggers, modify your thoughts and behaviors, find your true motivation, and unlock your willpower to stop this vicious cycle in its tracks. Practical and transformative, Stop Self-Sabotage is your ultimate guide to jumpstart lasting, positive change and start living the life you want. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (Edisi Kemas Kini) John Gray, 2018-05-04 Pada suatu masa dahulu, orang planet Marikh dan Venus bertemu, lalu jatuh cinta. Mereka hidup bahagia bersama kerana mereka menerima dan menghormati perbezaan masing-masing. Kemudian mereka berkahwin dan berpindah ke bumi. Pada suatu hari yang tidak disangka, mereka semua diserang penyakit amnesia, iaitu penyakit yang menyebabkan mereka terlupa bahawa mereka sebenarnya berasal dari planet yang berbeza. Menggunakan metafora ini bagi menerangkan konflik-konflik yang biasa berlaku antara lelaki dan perempuan, Dr. John Gray menjelaskan bagaimana perbezaan antara lelaki dan perempuan sering menjadi angkara dalam hubungan yang tidak bahagia. Berdasarkan pengalaman beliau memberi khidmat kaunseling kepada beribu pasangan dan individu, beliau memberi panduan bagaimana kita boleh mengatasi perbezaan dalam gaya komunikasi, keperluan emosi, dan perilaku bagi memupuk persefahaman antara lelaki dan perempuan. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus berjaya membantu berjuta-juta orang lelaki dan perempuan memahami pasangan mereka dengan lebih baik. Ia adalah alat bantu yang penting dalam membentuk hubungan suami isteri yang lebih mendalam dan memuaskan. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Kafka After Kafka Iris Bruce, Mark H. Gelber, 2019 New essays providing an up-to-date picture of the engagement of artists, philosophers, and critics with Kafka's work. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Kiss Your Fights Good-bye Jamie Turndorf, Dr., 2014-01-20 Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand/Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, also known as husband withdrawal. This is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence. Dr. Jamie Turndorf’s techniques, based on 30 years of research out of her Center for Emotional Communication, transform conflict into connection for a lifetime of lasting love. Even if you’re locked in battle and have been for years, your relationship can change. Beginning with simple Cool-Down steps, you’ll learn why husband withdrawal occurs and then how to use Climate Control strategies to reset the relationship. Women will discover the real reason why men never seem to listen—it’s nothing personal—and the secret trick that actually makes them want to listen and stick around to settle disputes. Dr. Turndorf’s proven conflict-resolution method interrupts the cycle of fighting for the majority of couples, and can also be used to defuse disagreements among friends and family members. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women Christine B. Whelan, 2006-10-17 For years, it's been common knowledge that once a woman hits thirty, her chances of finding a husband diminish to the point of despair. That men are intimidated by a woman's career success, preferring docile helpmates to ambitious achievers. That women are biologically driven to seek a strong provider. That the higher a woman's IQ, the less likely she is to marry, let alone have babies...leaving single, successful women to ask themselves: Are men intimidated by smart women? In Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women, Christine B. Whelan shatters the myth that high-achieving women are at a disadvantage in the marriage market. There's good news for the millions of American SWANS (Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse): that today's smart, successful women marry at the same rates as all other women -- and that more income and education may in fact increase a woman's chances of marriage. What's more, as Dr. Whelan shows through newly released U.S. Census data, a large-scale Harris Interactive survey commissioned especially for this book, plus extended interviews conducted in cities nationwide, this profound demographic shift shows every sign of progressing. That means that the success penalty that has endured for generations is, as soon as 2010, destined for the history books. Accomplished daughters, sisters, and friends (not to mention their mothers) can finally stop worrying that the twin pinnacles of personal and professional happiness are inherently unattainable. In fact, smart men do marry SWANS. Ninety percent of high-achieving men surveyed want a woman who is as intelligent or more intelligent than they are. And two-thirds of men said they believed smart women make better mothers. Pairing cutting-edge research with sound advice, Dr. Whelan brings to mind what smart women everywhere have long known in their hearts: that the goal is not just to get married, but to have a good marriage, and to lead a fulfilled life. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Anxiously Attached Jessica Baum, 2022-06-14 A road map for building strong and secure relationships for those who struggle with anxiety in their romantic connections. An estimated 47 million Americans identify as having an anxious attachment style, which can make being in relationships turbulent and emotionally taxing for them. According to groundbreaking research in the field of attachment, anxious types are more prone to insecurity, jealousy, codependency, and other behaviors that get in the way of finding and sustaining love. In Anxiously Attached, seasoned psychotherapist and couples counselor Jessica Baum guides readers through understanding their attachment style at its core and building the inner strength and self-love that will lead them to more secure and satisfying relationships. Developed over ten years in private practice, Baum’s signature Self-full® Method has helped her clients get off the toxic roller coaster of anxious attachment and discover the secure and mutually supportive relationships they deserve. In this book readers will learn how to: Create boundaries to safeguard their sense of self-sovereignty in relationships Communicate to their partners what they need to feel safe and secure in the relationship Develop a secure sense of self-worth and emotional stability Learn the true meaning of a healthy/interdependent relationship and how to establish one with their partner or future partner. Discover a compassionate path towards healing through experiences like mediation practices where they can start to develop more insight into their internal landscape. Attain a deep understanding of the anxious-avoidant dance that is extremely common in intimacy struggles. Anxiously Attached offers a practical and holistic approach for overcoming anxious attachment issues to discover happier, more fulfilling relationships. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Full Catastrophe David Carkeet, 2010-07-27 A New York Times Notable Book: “A comic chronicle of marital misunderstandings . . . Eccentric, hilarious, wildly inventive” (Los Angeles Times). Linguist Jeremy Cook knows how language works, but he doesn’t know how marriage works. In fact, he is strangely hostile to the institution. So Cook is naturally uneasy about his job with a St. Louis firm specializing in “the linguistically troubled marriage.” His assignment is to move in with Dan and Beth Wilson, a prosperous suburban couple with an impoverished relationship, to analyze their problems with verbal communication and help them—if he can. But as Cook catalogs the Wilsons’ missed signs and signals, he becomes increasingly, and unscientifically, involved . . . “Read this terrific book.” —Los Angeles Times “With humor and insight, Mr. Carkeet’s fourth novel addresses the commonest of social diseases—a failing marriage—with the least likely of therapies: a live-in linguist.” —The New York Times Book Review “Carkeet’s premise is fresh, his characters utterly winning and his comic observations full of affection for those caught up in the complex confusions of love. Laugh-out-loud scenes and swift, convincing dialogue.” —Publishers Weekly |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Good Son Michael Gurian, 2000-08-07 Selected by Publishers Weekly as one of the Best Books of 1999, The Good Son is the definitive guide to the moral and emotional development of our boys and young men. Within its pages, Michael Gurian widely credited as the founder of today's boys movement takes readers through a complete parenting program, showing how to instill virtues in boys at each stage of life. For parents and teachers who fear that our child-rearing systems have lost much of their ethical underpinnings and that our boys are becoming emotionally closed-off, The Good Son serves as a welcome guidepost. It is one of today's premier books on parenting and male development. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Seat of the Soul Gary Zukav, 2014 Explores a new phase of human evolution that reflects a growing understanding about authentic, spiritual power based on cooperative beliefs and a reverence for life. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Stranger Planet Nathan W. Pyle, 2020-06-16 WATCH THE ANIMATED SERIES AUGUST 9 ON APPLE TV+ New York Times Bestseller The sequel to the #1 New York Times bestselling phenomenon Strange Planet, featuring more hilarious and poignant adventures from the fascinating inhabitants of Nathan W. Pyle's colorful world. In this eagerly awaited sequel, Nathan takes us back to his charming and instantly recognizable planet colored in bright pinks, blues, greens, and purples, providing more escapades, jokes, and p h r a s e s. Nathan mixes his most popular Instagram comics with more than thirty original works created exclusively for this second volume to explore four major topics: traditions, nature, emotions, and knowledge. He inducts new and longtime fans into a strangely familiar world and its culture, from “cohesion” (marriage) to “mild poison” (alcohol) to the full lyrics to “The Small Eight-Legged Creature” (sung to the tune of The Itsy-Bitsy Spider). Bright, colorful, and whimsical—yet charmingly familiar—Stranger Planet is out-of-this-world fun. |
| attached by dr amir levine: F*ck Feelings Michael Bennett, MD, Michael Bennett, Sarah Bennett, 2015-09 The only self-help book you'll ever need, from a psychiatrist who will help you put aside your unrealistic wishes, stop trying to change things you can't change, and do the best with what you can control--the first steps to solving all of life's impossible problems-- |
| attached by dr amir levine: The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism Sharon Martin, 2019-01-02 If you feel an intense pressure to be perfect, this evidence-based workbook offers real strategies based in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you develop a more balanced and healthy perspective. Do you hold yourself—and perhaps others—to extremely high standards? Do you procrastinate certain tasks because you’re afraid you won’t carry them out perfectly? If you’ve answered “yes” to one or both of these questions, chances are you’re a perfectionist. And while there’s nothing wrong with hard work and high standards, perfectionism can also take over your life if you let it. So, how can you find balance? With this workbook, you’ll identify the causes of your perfectionism and the ways it is negatively impacting your life. Rather than measuring your self-worth by productivity and accomplishments, you’ll learn to exercise self-compassion, and extend that compassion to others. You’ll also learn ways to prioritize the things that really matter to you, without focusing on attaining fixed goals. Life isn’t perfect, and neither are we. If you’re ready to break free from out-of-control perfectionism and start living a richer, fuller life, this workbook will help you get started. |
| attached by dr amir levine: The Future of Happiness Amy Blankson, 2017-04-11 Technology, at least in theory, is improving our productivity, efficiency, and communication. The one thing it's not doing is making us happier. We are experiencing historically high levels of depression and dissatisfaction. But we can change that. Knowing that technology is here to stay and will continue to evolve in form and function, we need to know how to navigate the future to achieve a better balance between technology, productivity, and well-being. Technology can drive—not diminish—human happiness. In The Future of Happiness, author Amy Blankson, cofounder of the global positive psychology consulting firm GoodThink, unveils five strategies successful individuals can use, not just to survive—but actually thrive—in the Digital Age: • Stay Grounded to focus your energy and increase productivity • Know Thyself through app-driven data to strive toward your potential • Train Your Brain to develop and sustain an optimistic mindset • Create a Habitat for Happiness to maximize the spaces where you live, work, and learn • Be a Conscious Innovator to help make the world a better place By rethinking when, where, why, and how you use technology, you will not only influence your own well-being but also help shape the future of your community. Discover how technologies can transform the idea of I'll be happy when . . . to being happy now. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Attached Amir Levine, Rachel Heller, 2019-08-22 An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers you a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections. 'A groundbreaking book that redefines what it means to be in a relationship.' - John Gray, PhD., bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Is there a science to love? In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory - the most advanced relationship science in existence today - can help us find and sustain love. Pioneered by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the field of attachment explains that each of us behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. Avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. With fascinating psychological insight, quizzes and case studies, Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help you understand the three attachment styles, identify your own and recognize the styles of others so that you can find compatible partners or improve your existing relationship. |
| attached by dr amir levine: Avoidant Jeb Kinnison, 2014-10-02 Jeb Kinnison's previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of readers to JebKinnison.com, where the most asked-about topic was how to deal with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many readers in troubled marriages now who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who'd like help deciding if they should stick with it. People in relationships with Avoidants struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an Avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an Avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. The Avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well-retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give. The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an Avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a Dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is ) Yet there is some hope-though it may take years and require educating the Avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication, if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done. How can you tell if your partner is avoidant? Does your partner: - Seem not to care how you feel? - Frequently fail to respond to direct questions or text messages? - Accuse you of being too needy or codependent? - Talk of some past lover as ideal and compare you to them? - Act coldly toward your children and the needy? - Remind you that he or she would be fine without you? - Withhold sex or affection as punishment? If that sounds familiar, then your partner is likely avoidant. At about 25% of the population, Avoidants have shorter, more troubled relationships, and tend to divorce more frequently and divorce again if remarried. What can be done? Individual therapy for the motivated Avoidant can move their default attachment style toward security, and to the extent that problems have been made worse by an overly clingy and demanding anxious-preoccupied partner, therapy can help there, as well. Partners who read and absorb the lessons of these books will have a head start on noticing and restraining themselves when they are slipping into an unsatisfying communications pattern, and an intellectual understanding of the bad patterns is a step toward unlearning them. Not all difficult Avoidants can be reformed; that depends on both partners, the depth of their problems, and their motivation and ability to change over time. But many troubled marriages and relationships can be greatly improved, and the people in them can learn to be happier, with even modest improvements in understanding how they can best communicate support for each other. For those reading who have not read Bad Boyfriends or are less familiar with attachment types, a beefed-up section on attachment theory and attachment types from Bad Boyfriends is included. Regular readers of JebKinnison.com will find edited versions of some relevant material previously posted there. |
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